Friday, April 20, 2012


Sign at a local Restaurant

That is where we are heading next, to Peas on Earth.  The owner is a couple called Niki and Colin and they have a small Organic farm. I am ecstatic to be going back to “farming”. 

The farm is about 30 km outside of Kei Mouth, so it is not a major move; just down the road and Kei Mouth will still be our “local” town.  I do like Kei Mouth, it is an eccentric and off the wall kind of place full of characters of note, but I am a farm girl by heart.

The harsh reality is that the small towns are ghost towns out of season. I have to say that I do see myself as a bit of an expert on living in small towns.  You either come here to retire, with money already made or you have an existing business, like a Food Zone or the Bottle Store. It is real hard to actually find work and the population is too small to really sustain any kind of year round business. It is a beautiful place with lovely weather and long beaches and lush bushes and fresh air and all those things, but it can become hell in paradise.

Paradise lost?

I also applied for a position as Organizational Assistant at a place called Zuvuya/Impendle   (Organic farm/Self sustainable farm and Eco tourism). I made it past the first round, filled in a questionnaire, that was two days ago and I haven’t heard from them since. I guess we will just have to wait and see.

It takes a lot of organizing the keep things running smooth; basically a lot of these communities are also businesses. It takes commitment and lots of planning to keep things on track. It also needs funding and a Perma culture garden. I say perma culture because it is a whole system of self sustainability, not just a matter of growing food for profit.

Peas on Earth and Impendle are both small Green Businesses. I have spoken to Colin and he knows that if the Zuvuya happens I will be going, simply because they also have the Ecotourism side, but for now, it is me and the Peas.

We are moving the end of the month.

Friday, April 13, 2012


Coral tree, with the Kei rive mouth in the background

Stop this roller coaster I want to get off! I told you in a previous article (Forty Eight) that I started meditating again and that it always (3rd time now) creates havoc in this world. Everything just explodes, all at the same time. The big bloody bang is not over yet. 

I placed the "Where to now" article, took it down and then decided to place it again. What the heck it is all the truth. There is no blaming anybody, we made the choices and have to deal with the consciousness.

I have been spending quality time with myself and I, and I have been having the most fascinating dreams.  I had a nervous breakdown or a panic attack or maybe both the other night, just lost it, started crying and shaking and could not stop myself. I must say I did feel a lot of relief the next day, it was necessary to get that poison out. Now I can think clear again.

Riaan went for an interview for work as a Field guide at a Nature Reserve just outside Port Alfred (about 300 km down the coast). He loves guiding and misses it, but he has done some things in the past that keeps on coming up and biting him in the back. He did not get the position and the whole excursion cost nearly a Thousand Rand, it is expensive to look for work. 

I see a plan, but I have to go places and talk to a few people first before I can share that here. I have taken the photo, now I must develop it, so to speak.

Putting yourself first is not selfish.  Stop the self sacrifice, it gets you nowhere.  How can you help others it you cannot even help yourself? I am busy giving myself a motivational speech, trying to convince myself. Sometimes you have to let go of things.

This whole idea or starting the Medicinal herb garden with the Doctor is just not happening, for all sorts of reasons, but mainly because I think I have created enough gardens for other people at my expense, next time I will do it for payment or for myself.

Paradise lost..

Being on the brink of disaster (financially) does bring up some issues, you do think about things in a different way. The trick is not to fall into a space of fear and lie there and panic.

I am sure a plate of food and a place to sleep must be a basic human right, it is a basic human need! Talk is cheap and there are all these beautiful words about human rights.  Now we are so happy and proud, look we have a piece of paper it says we have rights, but what does it really mean in the real world. Just because something exists in theory, does not automatically mean it is being applied in practice. Even if you know your basic right, how exactly does that put a roof over my head? There is this commission that has to decide whether your rights have been violated, by the time they have decided, you could have died from exposure.

In the meantime I can really put some energy into some of my ideas about making money from the internet. My main interest in this is the fact that payment is normally in Dollars or sometimes Pounds, so even if it does not bring in much, with the exchange rate it is worth quite a bit in Rand value. It is a lot of work and learning in the beginning, but once it is all up and running it does not take up your whole day and can create income, without creating slavery.  I am brainstorming a lot about this at the moment.

Kei Mouth Coffe Shop, they have an Organic market every Saturday

We have decided to move at the end of the month, actually we haven’t decided that, we will have to, cannot afford this rent any longer.  There goes my idea with the Internet business, because I will more than likely not have a good internet connection where we are going next, that is now if my plans all work out. Again I cannot share details with you yet, because I have to go and talk to some people first.  I am rather excited about my whole plan. Let us see how things develop, I need to get out of town, even towns are too big for me and I need a garden! This will be the start of a whole new chapter in green living!



It feels like you are standing on the edge of a very high cliff and sometimes you feel like jumping, because the anticipations and terror of being on the edge all the time just gets too much.

I really have no idea where to go from here. After the whole KD disaster I do have a few serious questions to ask and answer for myself, but that will have to wait because right now finding a way to survive in this crazy world is the main priority.

I googled “what to do if you have lost everything”. You mostly get some twat trying to convince you not to commit suicide. That is kind of weird because up to that point is was not something I was considering. I love myself very much; I just do not like my current situation.

We left Limpopo because the opportunities for income/work (especially for me) where basically non-existing, unless you have a lot of money to start your own business. If one more idiot tells me that you do not need money to start a business, I am going to commit murder, not suicide. Are these people on a different planet, or is it just that their idea and my idea of nothing differ a great deal. I am aware that there are a lot of things you can start with very little capital investment, but if you are hardly sure what you are going to eat tomorrow, investing money in something that will only create income in three or six months time, just makes no sense, you will be dead from hunger by then.

Stairway to heaven?

I thought gaining news skills would help, but then again that also costs money. We tried the “work and learn” route at KD and just ended up feeling abused and being even poorer.  I have come to the very harsh realization that the world is not a very forgiving place, you make 2 or so “wrong” choices and it becomes almost impossible to recover. The other problem I am dealing with is that because of a few hard knocks/bad decisions, you end up with a negative mindset and this makes things even worse. You start expecting things to go wrong or not work out. This is seriously very dangerous, because after all I still do believe that you do create your own reality. I just haven’t been very good at it in the last couple of years.

Then another  problem is that I don’t really know what I want to do, now this is a very tough one, because how are you going to get anything if you have no idea what you want? This is pretty much the story of my live, I have never known, never had a passion about anything. Although, this is not entirely true, I really just want my own piece of land, where I can live and peace and provide my own food, I want as little as possible to do with so called civilization. I just want to be happy!

KD was a big knock on an emotional and financial level, I really thought it was a step in the right direction; I am not sure exactly how or why I created that situation.  Where and when did I ask to attract (again) such “wrong” people and situations into my life? What is going on in this head? The only other possible reason for this is some serious cause and effect I (again) created for myself somewhere along the line.

I seriously do not want to be rich and live in a big mansion and own six cars, I consider that a pointless life, but again how do you get your own place, without having to “sell your soul” for money? 

The current situation is as follows, we have been without an income for about eight months now and the little we had is long gone. KD was suppose to be an inexpensive (live of the land) learning experience, but it turned out to be bloody expensive, to say the least.
There is pretty much enough left to cover rent for one more month and if neither Riaan nor me can come up with something, we are homeless, that simple.

It feels like you keep getting doors slammed in your face, Riaan started the walking trails along the coast, but his qualifications are outdated and obviously this is going to cost to get up to date, with money from where? So there goes that bright idea, for now.

We could not afford to move to far, so now we are basically stuck in a very small town, not that I want to move to a city, they make me feel trapped.  In a country with 40 % unemployment and thanks to the insanity of our forefathers (apartheid) we are now also the wrong skin colors to find work, it is called affirmative action. That being said, just the idea of doing some mindless and senseless job just for money/staying alive, makes me want to go crazy and run for the hills.

I have been thinking and thinking and my brains are hurting, but I have no idea what we are going to do. The harsh reality is that you are nobody and you can do very little without money, in the world we have created, your free will is directly related to the size of your income but ironically even a lot of people with lots of money have no life, it is just a mad running around for more.

Right now I do not even see a tunnel, never mind a light at the end of the tunnel and all I really want is to be happy. That (to be happy) seems to be one of the most difficult goals to achieve. You hear all this talk about happiness coming from inside, but try being happy when everything around you is falling apart and you realize talk is cheap, probably the only thing that is still cheap….

I do believe in miracles (not in the classic religious sense), right now that is exactly what I deserve and need. Enough of these negative fearful thoughts, enough of this crazy meaningless existence!

Is this the beginning or the end? The way I feel right now, I do not see much sense in carrying on. Live has turned into a sequence of disasters, how do you turn that around?