It feels like you are standing on the edge of a very high cliff and sometimes you feel like jumping, because the anticipations and terror of being on the edge all the time just gets too much.
I really have no idea where to go from here. After the whole KD disaster I do have a few serious questions to ask and answer for myself, but that will have to wait because right now finding a way to survive in this crazy world is the main priority.
I googled “what to do if you have lost everything”. You mostly get some twat trying to convince you not to commit suicide. That is kind of weird because up to that point is was not something I was considering. I love myself very much; I just do not like my current situation.
We left Limpopo because the opportunities for income/work (especially for me) where basically non-existing, unless you have a lot of money to start your own business. If one more idiot tells me that you do not need money to start a business, I am going to commit murder, not suicide. Are these people on a different planet, or is it just that their idea and my idea of nothing differ a great deal. I am aware that there are a lot of things you can start with very little capital investment, but if you are hardly sure what you are going to eat tomorrow, investing money in something that will only create income in three or six months time, just makes no sense, you will be dead from hunger by then.
Stairway to heaven?
I thought gaining news skills would help, but then again that also costs money. We tried the “work and learn” route at KD and just ended up feeling abused and being even poorer. I have come to the very harsh realization that the world is not a very forgiving place, you make 2 or so “wrong” choices and it becomes almost impossible to recover. The other problem I am dealing with is that because of a few hard knocks/bad decisions, you end up with a negative mindset and this makes things even worse. You start expecting things to go wrong or not work out. This is seriously very dangerous, because after all I still do believe that you do create your own reality. I just haven’t been very good at it in the last couple of years.
Then another problem is that I don’t really know what I want to do, now this is a very tough one, because how are you going to get anything if you have no idea what you want? This is pretty much the story of my live, I have never known, never had a passion about anything. Although, this is not entirely true, I really just want my own piece of land, where I can live and peace and provide my own food, I want as little as possible to do with so called civilization. I just want to be happy!
KD was a big knock on an emotional and financial level, I really thought it was a step in the right direction; I am not sure exactly how or why I created that situation. Where and when did I ask to attract (again) such “wrong” people and situations into my life? What is going on in this head? The only other possible reason for this is some serious cause and effect I (again) created for myself somewhere along the line.
I seriously do not want to be rich and live in a big mansion and own six cars, I consider that a pointless life, but again how do you get your own place, without having to “sell your soul” for money?
The current situation is as follows, we have been without an income for about eight months now and the little we had is long gone. KD was suppose to be an inexpensive (live of the land) learning experience, but it turned out to be bloody expensive, to say the least.
There is pretty much enough left to cover rent for one more month and if neither Riaan nor me can come up with something, we are homeless, that simple.
It feels like you keep getting doors slammed in your face, Riaan started the walking trails along the coast, but his qualifications are outdated and obviously this is going to cost to get up to date, with money from where? So there goes that bright idea, for now.
We could not afford to move to far, so now we are basically stuck in a very small town, not that I want to move to a city, they make me feel trapped. In a country with 40 % unemployment and thanks to the insanity of our forefathers (apartheid) we are now also the wrong skin colors to find work, it is called affirmative action. That being said, just the idea of doing some mindless and senseless job just for money/staying alive, makes me want to go crazy and run for the hills.
I have been thinking and thinking and my brains are hurting, but I have no idea what we are going to do. The harsh reality is that you are nobody and you can do very little without money, in the world we have created, your free will is directly related to the size of your income but ironically even a lot of people with lots of money have no life, it is just a mad running around for more.
Right now I do not even see a tunnel, never mind a light at the end of the tunnel and all I really want is to be happy. That (to be happy) seems to be one of the most difficult goals to achieve. You hear all this talk about happiness coming from inside, but try being happy when everything around you is falling apart and you realize talk is cheap, probably the only thing that is still cheap….
I do believe in miracles (not in the classic religious sense), right now that is exactly what I deserve and need. Enough of these negative fearful thoughts, enough of this crazy meaningless existence!
Is this the beginning or the end? The way I feel right now, I do not see much sense in carrying on. Live has turned into a sequence of disasters, how do you turn that around?